Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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