I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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