Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize