There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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