I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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