Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
