I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize