i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize