I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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