apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
