hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
