I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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