I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
