I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you had me at cake vodka
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
