my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
