would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
