Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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