1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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