Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
