I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize