Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
