You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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