the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize