I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
