if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
