I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
someone owes me an orgasm
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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