i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
