I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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