the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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