Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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