then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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