meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
