good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
