I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
