where am i from again
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
