it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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