so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
