Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
