I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize