so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
