Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
