are you still at the devil's house?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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