Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
