there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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