rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's never too late to be topless.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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