The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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