Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
