There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
