There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
