Umm I'm too high to move.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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