got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
