no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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