I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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