happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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