Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
