Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
