Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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