Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
