apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
