she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
