I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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