Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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