She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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